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5th May 2010
I was really surprised reading my past few entries; I sound very bitter and jaded. I'm not, I've just been burned real good (as we all get at some moment in our lives) and letting it out here. I was kind of amused, because if people read my journal and know me in real life they're going to think I'm bipolar.
I'm just letting go and ranting in here, this pretend world, so I can be happy in the real world. : ) So far, it's working. It's not that I feel like I can't talk to real people about my problems, I just don't want to sit and bich people's ears off when something gets deeper to me than it should. I've been very sensitive and tender-hearted lately, but then I always am. And I'm always caught off guard by it!
I bawled vmy eyes out listening to the Pilgrim's Chorus and the Pearl Fishers' duet (Placido and Sherrill Milnes, of course). I've heard both probably a hundred times apiece and cried every single one of them. I also always, ALWAYS cry at the end of "And Maggie Makes Three," which is an episode of the Simpsons.
I feel good today. I feel better than I have for the past few days, actually.
....I wonder if anyone is reading this? I'll have to check my friends' page to see who's on it.
1st May 2010
I had a weird day. Someone I didn't think was capable of such things is doing something of which I don't approve.
How can you say mean things about people behind their backs and then be completely nice to their faces, to the point you ignore me when I try to say something to you? More than just being civil, more than just keeping appearances. You claim to despise someone, you say you can't wait until they're out of your life, but you talk to them like your best buddy and ignore me, who you call your best friend. I don't think it was conscious, but still. Thinking about why a person would act that way... hmm.
I may have to rethink some people in my life. I still love them dearly, truly, but... I don't agree with that. I am who I am all the time, I don't play the game where everyone needs to like me all the time. Maybe I misunderstood, or something. I don't know.
I was also a soloist for the Brahms Neueliebeslieder tonight... a solosit quartet did the whole thing, and we kicked ass and took names. I crashed and burned on my second solo piece thanks to the marvelous conductor, but recovered pretty smoothly and redeemed myself by saving the quartet later.
My mother wants to try to set me up with someone. I don't know how I feel about it. Not about what she's told me of him (34, nurse, Christian, dry and quirky sense of humor), but more how I feel about dating in general right now. Plus, I really kind of like someone else, and it might go somewhere. Both have their pros and cons, but I just don't know how I feel about entangling myself in someone else again. Not the dirty way, of course. I'm just getting my situation and what I want straightened out in my head. I honestly won't know til I can clear my head after I move.
We'll just see. : )
29th April 2010
Lessons in language
First off, happy birthday, Melanie!! My dear friend. : )
Second, I'm finding out the meanings of all sorts of words today. I've always thought the word "forget" implies an intention. If you "forgot" to do something, that generally means you actually were planning on doing it at some point.
Don't say, "I forgot to get back to you," when I know you never intended to in the first place. Don't insult my intelligence, you've shown me who you are and how you act. I don't expect you to change now.
Also, the term "getting along" has been redefined. Apparently, if I stay out of your way as much as I can, completely disengage and don't let you drag me into your crap or let you into my life at all, that's "getting along." Sounds a little warped to me, but whatever. What can I expect from someone who can't hold up their end of a bargain? Unless you really think I'm that stupid that I don't know. If you keep it up, I'll leave.
Friendship to me is about two people enjoying each other's company, about love and loyalty. It's not about how the other person can be useful to you. I guess that's the difference between us.
I can let it go, now. It really made me angry before, but getting it out helps a lot, and I don't want to talk to people behind other people's backs. Good old livejournal!
In other news, I made homemade cheesecake today! My first attempt failed, but I'm going to give it another shot later. The only thing that went wrong was my tinfoil seal around the springform pan... there became a hole that leaked! Brr, I was upset. I also made homemade raviolis, and they are little perfect cheese puffs. I sometimes surprise even my own self. Go me! *high five*
Getting ready to audition for the Singers in a couple of weeks... Who in the world would EVER perform the "Cum Sancto spiritu" fugue from the B minor mass at quarter note = 110?! I guess it's more of a "CAN you do it?" not "we WILL do it," thing. I had a wonderful lesson on Tewsdee! I love Marian Stieber, I don't know how I'll be able to leave.
Mel and Chris are on their ways for a wonderful dinner. I'm excited to have some girltime and fun tonight! Yowza. : )
9th April 2010
It is a probability more than a possibility that no one will read this. I'm okay with that, I don't need the masses to read my thoughts. I don't even need the people of my thoughts to read my thoughts. I just felt convicted for some reason to write here. I never come to livejournal anymore... I don't know why I'm here now, but I'm having all these thoughts, and some are conflicting, and I just need to get them down before I can sleep tonight.
A person cannot undo a thing they've done, cannot un-say words they've said. These things are like rain, they will land somewhere. They will either foster growth, or overwhelm and drown any life they come across.
What I know for certain is I am a gardener, in this great demesne of life. It is my job, my conviction to want things to be green and healthy and thriving, and it breaks me when they're not. It hurts when precious cuttings don't take root, or when something I loved dearly simply wears out and wilts away.
I don't understand why these things don't hurt others. How can a person genuinely not care that something around it is dying? How can it be that someone could watch the same beautiful, robust plant slowly turn away from itself, fighting to survive, and not want to help it?
Maybe that's the lesson after all. I thought it was love, but I was already skilled at that. I already knew how to love and give with my whole heart, I didn't need to be taught. I thought it was joy, but my life is a fountain of it.
Maybe the lesson is simply that people are different.
Not stupid things, like the music we listen to or the language we speak... the things that matter. Our hearts and minds. I thought everyone was the same as I am, I thought everyone wanted to love everyone else! I thought trust and love and joy were things EVERYONE held sacred, things all people everywhere, young/old/smart/dumb/deaf/blind/man/woman cherished the way I do.
But this is not so. I would not believe it, but I have seen it with my own eyes. A person can willfully turn from a dying thing, and let it return to dust without a second thought. The reason we save things is because we love them, we care for them. You have to show a plant you care for it, you can't just say, "Wow, posies! You sure are beautiful. I love you!" and expect them to live. They have to be cared for, they have to be shown how you feel. They'll respond accordingly.
I never asked for more than the sun to warm and light my way, and water for my thirsting roots. When you ripped me out of the ground and threw me in a cellar, after I had shown you how to care for me with very little effort, I knew you must not care, especially when I blossomed whenever you needed me to, whatever colors you wanted. It's little effort, not effortless. Nothing worth keeping is effortless except sleep and joy. Was it always? Did I ever really matter? Or was it just nice to have me around because of how I felt for you? I must take fault, too. I wasn't blameless. And I made it effortless. If I hadn't reached out, if it hadn't always, ALWAYS been me searching after you, would it have been different?
I don't understand. I suppose I don't have to. Psychologists claim to be masters of the human mind, but when one comes forth claiming to be a master of the human heart, I'd like to meet him.
You can't undo what you've done, and can't un-say what you've said. I don't think you would anyway (you're not the sort), but I can change how I feel about it. I know better now-- You weren't the once-in-a-lifetime I thought you were; I see very clearly now that you are the wall paper that was once in fashion, and I don't follow trends. You'll always be in the room, but you don't control it anymore.
So this is it. I'm letting go. I don't ever need to talk about it again, or feel this way again. I don't need to express this further than this paragraph. I have more important things to hold onto, and this pettiness does not satisfy that need. You're not enough for me. You're not worthy of my attention anymore. If you had wanted things differently, you would have shown it. With no ill-will, no more bad feelings, without being hateful or superior or something else entirely I can leave what we were in the past, where it belongs, and it can be what it is: a lovely memory. I can heal, and work on deciding if this new man is worthy. If his words and deeds will nurture something lovely, or land me back in the swamp. Finis
Dear God, dear World, dear My Life:
I just need you to know how grateful I am to you. How wonderful you are, and how much joy you bring me. You've given me these amazing tools and experiences to shape who I am. While I lack the mind of the sculptor, while I am not capable of seeing the dazzling life within the cold block of stone, it does not lessen my appreciation as all the finite debris tumble away revealing exquisite beauty as only you can create. What a thought!
Who I am, as I am right now, is beautiful.
I have come to the right place, and everything that has happened has happened for the best (of all possible reasons in this best of all possible worlds). Amazing things are at work in my life as I write this, things I can't possibly anticipate or understand or imagine for myself. But I know they're coming all the same because I feel it, because you can imagine them for me. Someone is coming to warm his hands by the fire of my spirit, instead of trying to stamp it out because he's afraid of it. I know this. My voice is becoming something a person would pay to listen to... slowly, but surely. My passion for what I do is the best fuel I could have asked for. It will get me through the trials inside and outside my body.
My spirit is stronger than any that might overtake me. My God is with me, and that is all I need to know.
I feel better. : ) Maybe I'll start writing more frequently, although aside from this I've been a lady of few words lately. I did feel compelled to hit the "remember me" button on the way in. But who doesn't?
Goodnight. : )
16th September 2009
Life is so different from when I last updated... Which, by the way, I can't believe I was so beyond screwed-up I didn't think to write "Happy Birthday" to my best friend. Sorry, Mel! But if you remember, I did tell people all day it was your birthday so you got brazilians of happy birthday wishes. : )
I don't know if it's "better" different. Or if it's "happier" different. Things have changed.
People have changed.
People who I thought could never change except for the better have changed.
But, then, I was assuming and believing a lot of things about "people" that just weren't true. Knowing the truth hurts, and finding out the truth hurts worse, but I'm healing. Once you realize how someone you love so much can hurt you so badly (and so often) without even knowing it, it's easy to protect yourself. Right? You can just put your feelings in your little mental Tupperware dish where they'll either die or be preserved, should you ever want them again.
Then you wind up here, in Love's Limbo: Where you're not in love, but not fallen out of love either. And you still love the person you're not in love with but not not in love with. Understand? Great! Sometimes I have to laugh at myself and the nonsense I get myself into.
Someone said life is ninety percent awesome. There's just ten percent that's going wrong at any one time, but it seems like the world is going down the tubes.
I wish my problem were thinking too much, instead of feeling too much. Because if I followed my head just once instead of my heart, maybe things would never have gotten so bad as they were. If I had once thought, "Maybe this isn't a good idea," and believed it BEFORE I actually did it because I felt I should.
But then things go unsaid, and is that really better? I can't accept that it is.
Me and my stupid, blind, naïve optimism... But somehow I think it will all be alright. I love my life right now, aside from that 10%. When you tell your voice teacher you're not graduating and she says, "Oh, GOODY! I can't let you go yet!" things are pretty wonderful! I love my house, I love my school, and heck! The company's great!
And I am a happy person, dammit! It's better than the alternative. I'd rather feel good 98% of the time and crash once in a while into a million pieces, and feel the way I was feeling for so long. Somehow you always end up with more pieces of yourself than you started with, and when it comes time to give them away again, you're even more whole than you were before. When you're in one solid piece, one solid, unhappy piece... you can only ever be less than what you were. Hmm.
Happy or not, I'm never giving my whole self away like that again, until I know for sure it's worth it.
29th April 2009
I have the feeling that if I were in the living room watching God play xbox and talking, He'd whack me upside the head and say, "What is the matter with you?" and then I'd blink for a second and say, "Nothing, I guess," and I'd never get crazy again.
Some boys are like drugs/alcohol: cause of and solution to all my problems.
Oh, good lord.
Needless to say, things are better. I snapped pretty good, but it's all about to go uphill.
EDIT: I have a question! Do "sepulchre" and "pulchritude" REALLY share the same root of p"pulchra" or is that just some extremely strange false cognate? Latin is weird if it's the same root. Way weird.
like Kathleen again
24th April 2009
What is wrong with me?
I must have some deeply rooted psychosis that I don't deserve to be happy. Or something.
I'm really a mess, and I hate it.
PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SCREW YOU UP THIS BAD.
A PERSON SHOULD EITHER BE ABLE TO CONTROL FALLING IN LOVE OR FALLING OUT OF IT.
IT'S NOT FAIR TO COMPLETELY LACK CONTROL.
I need to fall out of love. My own love is putting me asunder.
I'm destroying my own self. And I don't know what to do.
14th April 2009
Why did I think this is a good idea?
Am I going to end up a broken pile of Kathleen?
Why did I think this could go anyway but downhill and/or badly?
But everytime I'm near him I forget how this feels... I only see how great it will be, and how much fun we're going to have, and how much he cares about me. And 98.999% of the time, I'm so sure. Beyond the whisper of a shadow of a doubt and all there is is my love for him and this intense joy. And how could anything go wrong when we're so close and have such an amazing-- almost living on its own --thing between us? Where it sometimes seems like we're the same person?
But then in times like these...
I'm in a lot of trouble.
God: please protect me.
I love someone so much it scares me. That's not hyperbole, I'm really terrified here.
Is it just my anxiety over other things like the opera building up inside me and confusing me?
Honest to goodness I don't know what's going to happen.
And yet... I don't want to stop.
I don't want to not feel this way.
Oh, God, please, PLEASE protect me.
2nd April 2009
Life is so good.
Then why do I hurt so freaking much in places that are not physical?
I'm Carmen. That's all I need right now.
(P.S. I'm Carmen on opening night when all the people with money and power are going to be there, not to mention scouts from Philly and Delaware. It's a huge, huge, wonderful compliment.)