Kathleen (divachorusgirl) wrote,
Kathleen
divachorusgirl

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Wow.



Life is so different from when I last updated... Which, by the way, I can't believe I was so beyond screwed-up I didn't think to write "Happy Birthday" to my best friend. Sorry, Mel! But if you remember, I did tell people all day it was your birthday so you got brazilians of happy birthday wishes. : )

I don't know if it's "better" different. Or if it's "happier" different. Things have changed.

People have changed.

People who I thought could never change except for the better have changed.

But, then, I was assuming and believing a lot of things about "people" that just weren't true. Knowing the truth hurts, and finding out the truth hurts worse, but I'm healing. Once you realize how someone you love so much can hurt you so badly (and so often) without even knowing it, it's easy to protect yourself. Right? You can just put your feelings in your little mental Tupperware dish where they'll either die or be preserved, should you ever want them again.

Then you wind up here, in Love's Limbo: Where you're not in love, but not fallen out of love either. And you still love the person you're not in love with but not not in love with. Understand? Great! Sometimes I have to laugh at myself and the nonsense I get myself into.

Someone said life is ninety percent awesome. There's just ten percent that's going wrong at any one time, but it seems like the world is going down the tubes.

I wish my problem were thinking too much, instead of feeling too much. Because if I followed my head just once instead of my heart, maybe things would never have gotten so bad as they were. If I had once thought, "Maybe this isn't a good idea," and believed it BEFORE I actually did it because I felt I should.

But then things go unsaid, and is that really better? I can't accept that it is.

Me and my stupid, blind, naïve optimism... But somehow I think it will all be alright. I love my life right now, aside from that 10%. When you tell your voice teacher you're not graduating and she says, "Oh, GOODY! I can't let you go yet!" things are pretty wonderful! I love my house, I love my school, and heck! The company's great!

And I am a happy person, dammit! It's better than the alternative. I'd rather feel good 98% of the time and crash once in a while into a million pieces, and feel the way I was feeling for so long. Somehow you always end up with more pieces of yourself than you started with, and when it comes time to give them away again, you're even more whole than you were before. When you're in one solid piece, one solid, unhappy piece... you can only ever be less than what you were. Hmm.

Still.

Happy or not, I'm never giving my whole self away like that again, until I know for sure it's worth it.

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